Me, Myself, and Her
by LittleMissYuki
Summary: Hanji went into labor. And a child was born. Levi is now a father, Hanji now a mother. Levi is happy, but has a horrifying fear. And it is not until that fear comes true. Because of this, Levi learns what it takes to be a true father, a true hero, a true human being.
1. A Gift

"I know you are sad... but I just wanted to say that it was not your fault. I still love you...I always will..."

Women.

They are rambunctious, quick-witted beings. The same creatures that mess with your head and question the life out of you. They stress you out and eventually you can't seem to stand them anymore. They know everything that seems off to them, and once they find it, they'll pick at it until it bleeds. Yet you learn to deal with them... because eventually, you get used to the bullshit and wont feel the same way once they leave. And when they do leave... its like a puzzle piece has gone missing. You don't know how much you need someone until their gone. I've realized that numerous of times throughout my pointless life... or so I think it is.

I've also realized how excited females can get the moment life decides to take it's course.

Commands and screams of pain filled the room we had to wait "patiently" in. Just me and the comrads, who I know for sure they'll be scarred for life. I sat in the wooden chair along with the rest of them and we waited- for the moment it was time to come in. I wasn't nervous or scared or anything like that. I don't know what to feel, to be frank... I just hope everything goes smooth and easy. I just hope that they're alright... I want see her again... I want to see our child.

A hand on my shoulder causes me to escape my thoughts. Erwin is sitting there beside me with concerned eyes, a grin on his face. "You okay there, Levi?" He asks. "You seem a little... lost."

"I'm fine," I tell him.

"Are you not excited?" He asked me again. I don't answer him...everything is happening so quickly.

"Yeah, Levi! You're going to be a father! How awesome is that?" Connie literally jumps in his seat like an immature boy. He always acted like that. But I knew him on serious occasions. Eren sighs with a curious expression on his face, agreeing with his friend. "I wonder if it'll be a boy or a girl..."

"I bet you its a male," says Jean. "The name will be passed on if thats the case... the family will live on longer. Besides... if it was a boy I could teach him a thing or two!"

We are all suprised by Connie's sarcastic laugh. He shakes his head only to say, "Oh please. You wouldn't even be able to teach it how to use the bathroom!"

"You know..." Armin stops them. "I find it quite interesting how times like these can bring everyone together...almost like one big happy family." He smiles at the thought, the others nodding. I thought about what he said- are we a family? We've known each other for so long... been through the worst... and acheived so much. So I came to a conclusion... one I knew was true. They all face me, finally getting to hear my voice after a long silence. "I agree... we are a family indeed..."

It wasn't long before the commotion in the room next door to us died. I heard loud foot steps getting closer and faster until we all stood up when Sasha had burst in, filled with energy. She was out of breath, but that didn't stop her from opening her mouth to tell us the news:

"It's a girl!"

They let me go inside first.

The group of girls looked satisfied, as if they've done everything they could to help deliver our daughter. And I knew they did... I could see it on their ecstatic faces. I walked slowly toward the bed in which Hanji sat. She looked up at me with an exhausted smile. "Levi," she said, her voice soft and barely above a whisper. With one hand she reached out for mine, the other curved around the small, silent creature that is now ours. I walked over and took her warm hand, carefully leaning over to look at our daughter. Her eyes are squeezed shut and her cheeks were like a squirrel's when they eat. She was sleeping soundly on Hanji's arm, wrapped comfortably in a blanket. Just seeing our child makes me think about everything, everyone, myself. I realized that she is our future. She is now a part of the family... a big family. A family that has been through everything. She is now a part of me... but I don't think I want her to be a part of me...

Now that I think about it, what if something threatens to tear us all apart? There's always something... and I've witnessed it too many damn times... which is why I can not let my guard down... ever. Because like they always say... there is no fire without any smoke.

"Isn't she... beautiful?" I hear Hanji's voice cracking. I finally stop staring at our daughter to see Hanji, whose face was damp with tears. "She's like an angel sent from heaven," She exclaimed to me. I always thought she acted over-dramatically, but this time I didn't judge a word. Hanji sniffed and shook her head, refusing to take her eyes off of the baby. "She just might be," I hear myself say. That suprised everyone in the room- I even suprised myself. But in a good way. A very good way. Such a good way that a hand forced my head on over to Hanji's lips. I knew it was her because I heard everyone cooing at us. But... I guess that was alright too. She's mine. Not their's.

Besides... I know this moment will be talked about for weeks on end... hell, maybe even longer than that.


	2. The Name

"What can we name a little thing like you...?"

Every now and then I feel as if I have no control over my life. I can't change it, I can't rewind it, I can't see the future. It's like you're only stuck here on purpose to suffer and rise, or even rise only to fall. You can't just fly up to the sky and ask God if He can take you to heaven already, and you can't just give up and ask the Devil if he wants your soul. You don't earn life. You don't lose it. You're just randomly selected to be born. And even if I were to die I can't see what the next kind of life is waiting for me. There is no escaping life. Thus being the reason why I have to suck it up and deal.

There are some good and bad aspects of life. The good, being that my first child has been welcomed into this shitty world, her mother as healthy as could be. The bad, being the fact that I have no clue what to name this girl. Me and Hanji never made any suggestions. And when she did, she'd want to name our kid "Sonny" or "Bean"- Yes, she wanted to name our child after the now dead, disgusting subjects, telling me that they're unisex names.

When Hanji was pregnant, I thought about either giving my mother's name if it was a girl and my name if it was a boy. But it was only an idea, really... besides, I wouldn't have wanted to burden them anyway. And now, I'm still sitting here on the porch of our new house carrying my daughter, lost. Man... this is tricky... and it's only been a day.

I hear the door open behind me, footsteps shuffling soft and quick. Soon she's there, sitting next to me with a kind smile. I blink at her and ask, "Didn't I tell you to rest?"

"I won't let childbirth stop me," Hanji chuckles. "How is she?"

"Fine," I look at the baby. "You know... she's not going to name herself."

"I know."

"Well...? Any suggestions? I doubt that I have any."

"Let's see," Hanji stops and thinks for a moment. I wonder what she's negotiating in that head of hers. I bet she'll come up with silly names. I know her too well to assume such a thing. Hanji speaks again.

"How about...we give her a name that is similar to ours?"

"Ours?" I ask.

"Yeah. Our names end with the same letter, no?"

"I guess you're right. It's not a bad idea." This makes her laugh at me as if I've read her mind.

We are both silent for a while until she whispers something I couldn't hear her say. I ask her what it was, and she just glanced at me. "Luci. With an 'i'."

"Luci..." I liked that one. It was different... and it fit our daughter perfectly. I know it did... because something about that name gave me a meaning that I don't have a definition to.

"Fine," I nodded. "That's the one."

"'Luci Ackerman,'" Hanji guestured with her hands, and laughed at herself. "Sounds beautiful. Then its settled."

"Yeah, I know. Could you do me a favor?"

"And what's that?"

"Don't ever suggest anything from a dead subject again."

"Could I suggest something?" She asked me, putting an arm around my shoulder. Luci wriggles in my arms and begins to cry. Hanji wanted to stop her, so I carefully handed Luci to her mother. "Don't cry," She said gentily. "We're right here. I'm not going anywhere. It's ok."

I could never imagine a person like Hanji to be ever so gentle, let alone to a human baby. Its like a new side of her has been released from the dark, a side I never really saw often. She was always so heavy-handed and hyper and loud. There are days where I even wonder how I got close to her in the first place. I guess things just took its course, and life set some random path for us to take. Who knows what else we'll do.

Luci finally calms down, falling back to sleep in her mother's arms like pure magic. Hanji never took her eyes off of Luci- and neither could I, really. "What was your suggestion?" I remembered. Soon Hanji frowned, a gray cloud developing on her face. She was worried. Before I could ask if she was alright, she whispered her answer.

"Don't go."

Don't go? I was confused for the rest of the day. I wasn't sure if what she asked was a joke or a trick or just a reminder. After all... I can't back out of anything now. Its way too late for that. But as much as I kept thinking about it, it still kept me puzzled. I wish I knew what she was thinking. Because it bothered me to the point of not sleeping at all that night.

Don't go where?


	3. Birthday Girl

_~7 Years Later~_

"Oh Luci... its time for you to wake up!"

I watched as Luci rubbed her eyes, groaning from being awakened. We, both Hanji and I, sat on her bed that morning ready to tell her what the day will consist of. I could tell that Luci was disappointed from being awake so early, but we knew she'll immediately forget about it once we tell her the reason behind that. "What happened?" Luci asked, facing us. Hanji smiled as she caressed our daughter's cheek.

"It's morning, Luci. And do you know what that means?"

"The flowers are going to grow?"

"No," Hanji replies, giggling. "It means that you're growing."

"I am...?"

"Yeah! Each year you are... more and more... for example, do you know what today is?"

"Um," Luci seemed confused for a moment. She still must have been tired, so perhaps she didn't understand what we were implying quick enough. Hanji looks at me and winks- it was a signal. Sighing, I get up from the bed and carefully scoop Luci up in my arms. Hanji runs out of the room, then returns with loads of balloons in her hands. "Its your birthday!" She cries. Luci must have remembered, because her eyes widened with happiness. I put her down only to watch the girl hug her mother as tight as she could.

"Happy birthday Luci." I said. She turned and ran towards me. I could hear the rush of her heartbeat in our embrace, a sound I might just remember forever.

Seven.

Time certainly flies. Sooner or later our daughter's going to be a grown woman, giving orders and creating rules to follow. I can only imagine a future so successful for Luci...and I dont think there's anything that could change that. But for now, she's a little spoiled brat- our spoiled brat.

We decided to reserve Luci's birthday party in the mess hall of our headquarters. I wouldn't have wanted three-thousand people trashing our house for the seventh time... lets be real here. Besides, all of our friends wanted to witness her smile and the act of blowing candles out and opening the many presents the brought with them. In my opinion they were all pretty fucking useless (I checked), but as long as Luci was happy, I never gave a damn about what they gave her. And it was very easy to get this place reserved... it took some heated negotiations to give Luci a party I hope she never takes for granted. Also, Luci loves balloons. She loves all colors and the way they float. I remember her say that balloons were bubblegum for faries.

And Hanji made it VERY clear to bring as many as everyone could. That woman has become obsessed with giving Luci everything she wants. But who can really blame her? I can't, really... because I would want to give every single thing I have.

 _I really am a terrible person.._.

The mess hall was covered in, of course, balloons. There were tables full of them at every corner. There were banners and decorations and just plain girly stuff all around us. I sat in a seat and watched everyone have a good time, taking this silly mess all in. All of our comrads and friends were chatting with one another, laughing, and playing which kept Luci excited. I wanted to join them, but I didn't think it was necessary...

"Hey!" I felt a tap on my shoulder. Its Eren and Mikasa, standing right there beside me. "Are you alright, Levi? You should join the fun!" Eren says, Mikasa agreeing with him.

"I'm fine guys, you should go. Enjoy yourselves." I replied.

"It is your daughter's birthday," Mikasa adds. "You shouldn't sit around like this... have fun with her."

"Since when were you in charge?" I joked without a grin. Mikasa smiles gentily and sits with me. "For today, I am. You should never seclude yourself, not from family. Not from love... because, in reality, it'll make a difference later on."

I just nod. I'm not surprised at what she said for it was all true. We've all been through so much. I have too. I didn't want to tell the two of why I'm really sitting here though. It'll worry them both...

"Speaking of birthday girls," Eren points out. "The little princess has arrived!" Eren playfully bows down to Luci, who giggles at him.

"Daddy," Luci then turned to me, pulling my hands. She is the spitting image of Hanji, her golden brown eyes twinkling into mine. Luci must have gotten her jet black hair from myself, but I always saw chocolate whenever she ran out in the sun. I stood from the chair and knelt to my daughter. "What's the matter, Luci? Are you having fun?" I asked.

"Yes! I want you to come and dance with me!"

"Dance with you?"

"Yeah," She nods her little head. "Armin and Connie said they will play a song for me! Everyone's gonna dance too! Please daddy, can you dance with me?"

I glance at Mikasa and Eren, who smiles as if they proved my future. And the fact that those other two are going to perform baffles me. "You know I don't dance, Luci." I replied. Luci jumps in excitment and begs me once more, "Pleeeease?"

She's just like her mom. Exactly like her mom. I had realized then, that this little moment she's asking for could mean the world to her. I can't just sit here anymore and watch. I have to intervine.

"Fine," I finally tell her. "I'll go. But I'm a terrible dancer, so don't cry when I step on you." Luci squeals and jumps on me, holding me tightly.

"Thank you, daddy."

All of the children who Luci invited, along with our friends, stood in the audience surrounding the silly performance that was about to start. Connie walked across the small stage and announced everone. It was very embarrasing- There was Armin holding a violin along with others who will play along with him. When Connie sang, all of the kids booed him off the stage- he tried too hard. As the show went on a few of the others, Historia, Sasha and Ymir, began to playfully sing along.

Eventually we all danced to the stupid concert. I heard mixed laughter and songs all around us. Luci jumps and spins like ballerina, and soon reached out for my hands so I could join her. I didn't know what to do so I picked Luci up and spun her around as if she was flying. I will always remember the laugh that filled my ears, a sound so unique and familiar.

Then I realized something. I stopped spinning her for we were already dizzy, and asked, "Luci, where's your mother?"

"I don't know daddy. She said she was-" Luci stopped and pointed to the stage. I turned to see for myself... And she was there. Hanji wore a gown and a cardboard tiara on her head, singing a loud yet powerful note that everyone fell silent for. When she was done, everyone laughed and cheered, never expecting something like that from her.

"Mommy!" Luci cried, happy to see how much her mother truly loves her.

And I was happy to have someone like Hanji in my life... I finally realized it then, that nothing would ever be the same with out her. I realized it the very moment I first laid eyes on her. I never thought I'd be saying this... but I am. Even with mishaps and mistakes, we stick together no matter what. And now that we are a family, I don't think theres anything I would want to give up again.

I knew... that she was the only one to bring a smile on my face.


	4. Quiet Nostalgia

Did you have fun?"

"Yeah! You looked like a princess, mommy!" Luci giggles along with Hanji, who brushed the girl's long black hair. We were finally home after Luci's party, and I don't think we've ever been this tired. It was night time and we wanted to go to sleep, but Luci kept chatting to her mother as if she never wanted her day to end. It was fine though- I'm rather glad that she had a fun time. It was the best we could do.

Hanji kept brushing Luci's hair to prepare her for bed time. "You know what they say, Luci... a princess has to do what she has to do!"

"And then you sang too! It was so cool, mommy." Luci stopped and thought of something. "Hey, wouldn't you be a queen?"

"Why do you ask that?"

"Well," Luci turns around to Hanji, studying her face. "When a princess has a baby, she becomes a queen. Unless her parents say so too!" Luci laughs and looks at me. "Daddy would be the king!"

"Oh please," I shake my head. "I could never be a king. Besides, everyone would hate me."

"I don't think so. You would protect us all!" Luci replied with bright eyes. Hanji continued to brush Luci's hair while adding, "I think so too, Luci... He's just too shy to admit it. Isn't that right?"

"Nope." I stand up from a chair. "I am dead serious. People would fear me. Want me dead. Its the truth." Hanji rolls her eyes and starts to tuck Luci in bed. She bends down to her ear. "He's just afraid that the queen will give him too many kisses. Like you say, kisses are nasty!" Hanji makes kissing sounds while Luci squeals happily. I just scoff at them, but I knew they were only teasing.

"And you're right, my little bean... we can be considered a king and queen. Which makes you our little princess. And do you want to know what princesses need?" Hanji asks, a hand on Luci's forhead. The girl shakes her head.

"Sleep."

"But... I'm not tired..." Our daughter stops and yawns.

"Oh, yes you are." Hanji kisses her cheek and sighs. Luci soon drifted off to sleep. "Goodnight, little bean," she whispers. Hanji gets up and walks to the door. I watched Luci's chest rise and fall. It was a beautiful thing- a young creature so innocent and pure, dancing in the horizons of her imagination. It's all up to her now.

What will she dream of next?

In our room, Hanji studied the dress she was wearing, that very dress she had on at the party. Looking at her self with the mirror, she frowned. "Do you really think I could pull this off? I'm not really sure its my color."

"I just want to know where you got that thing," I replied, laying on our bed. "Sasha let me borrow it. It suprisingly fit me when I first tried it on." She soon tried to take the dress off, but seemed unsuccessful.

"Levi, could you help me? I can't untie the back."

"Sure, why not." I just sit up and go to her, wanting to go to sleep already. She thanked me as I loosened the strings and untied them. When they were loose enough, Hanji let the dress fall to her waist, revealing herself. I blink and look away from her.

"What?" Hanji asks, grinning. "Don't act like you've never seen me before."

"I'll just... let you finish." I awkwardly step out of the room. I mean... she was right- it wasn't the first time I've seen her naked. But I felt like it was necessary to leave. I can't explain it... I just want to fucking sleep!

Hanji opened the door, this time in her night gown. "You may come in now, sir." She guestured.

"Sir? Is that how it is now?"

"Well, it seems like it _should_ be that way."

"Hm. Then thats fine with me," I start walking past her. Hanji frowns and closes the door behind her. As I got myself ready for bed, she approches me with a concerned expression. "Are you alright, Levi? You're acting... weird."

"Weird?"

"I mean," she shrugs. "You seem so distant. As if..." she doesn't continue. We remain silent for a while until she climbs into bed next to me. "Are you alright? You seem quiet yourself." I broke the silence, which must have startled Hanji. She just smiles and shakes her head. "Never mind. Forget what I said. You're perfect."

"I'm not sure if I believe you."

"It is the truth."

"You know, you sure do that alot." I said. "You're always in denial... If you have anything you'd like to tell me, just spill it."

"Like I said... forget about it," Hanji sighs. "Besides... we shouldn't worry about the negatives anyway. Because if we do... we could turn on each other. I just don't want that to never happen to us."

Hanji wraps her arm around my chest, closing her eyes. She lays beside me, not saying a word anymore. She was hiding something- I could sense it. She wasn't acting herself at all lately, and it was starting to bother me. Whatever she was hiding... anything... it wasn't pleasant whatsoever. But I don't want to deal with it right now... all I cared about the most was that she and Luci rest for the night. Well, at least until I could rest myself.

"Hey," I called. "Are you still awake?"

"A little."

"Oh..." I paused. Hanji opens her eyes, waiting for me to speak again. I sigh not knowing how to say the words that will soon escape from my mouth. "I just wanted to tell you... don't have a nightmare and strangle me in your sleep."

She just laughs and kisses me.

"Love you too."

 _It was midday. The sun was out and shining through the windows. Things were planned that day, things that will change everyone's point of view about us, whether it be good or bad. It was a plan reserved for two whole years, and now the time had come. We didn't expect things to end up like this so quickly. We never even expected to be together for so long. I always thought that once we saw eye to eye, it'll go down hill from that point on. Yet... despite being together for seven years, we trusted life's kind hands. We took them and it brought us everywhere we could possibly go. We went over mountains high and low, salt and sugar being tossed at us on the way. From the very moment she said yes, I knew it was going to be a wild ride. And I hoped it never ended because... we've been having fun for too long._

 _Way too long._

 _Two hours before it was time, Hanji called me in to practice something she dreamed of doing. She wanted me to dance with her in the party after the wedding. I was never into such a thing like that... and I definetly didn't want to embarrass her in front of everyone. But she insisted again and again... so I let her teach me. I learned so much; I was a total wreck before I finally got the hang of it. And I never thought that I'd enjoy something so precious._

 _I enjoyed the little things. I enjoyed the way everyone came to see us. I enjoyed seeing Hanji walk down the aisle of the church, her white dress dragging behind her. I enjoyed Sasha's overdramatic sobs while her friends did everything they could to shut her up._

 _In the blink of an eye, she was there in front of me. We stared into each other's eyes until it was time for it to be official. I'll never forget how huge her smile was. I'll never forget the promises we shared together. And I'll definitely never forget the kiss that changed our lives forever. I know that I act as if I don't care. But I do. I care very much. I just fear that life's going to turn on us again._

 _And I vowed... to never let anything happen to my family._


	5. Honesty Is Overrated

_We had to tell her eventually._

Luci may be young, pure, and naive. But that doesn't mean that we should shelter her and hide her from the world. She deserves the right to know the truth.

We called her inside the house during a sunny afternoon for lunch. Luci's hair was messy from playing, her dress spotted with grass stains and soil. After setting the table and getting cleaned up, the three of us sit in the wooden table to eat like a typical family- a real family.

"Hey mommy," Luci breaks the silence and catches our attention. "What are those..tall things around our house?"

"Around our house?" Hanji tilts her head with confusion. Luci shrugs and looks at her food. "Yeah... are those tall things... supposed to be buildings?"

That's when it hit us. I could tell how nervous Hanji was by her widened eyes. We never thought we'd talk about it so soon- however, it was better that she asked early on. So we told her countless stories about the outside world and what we have been through. We told her about the shifters, including Eren. We even told her about the many experiments Hanji had done. And by the looks of it... Luci's reaction to every said story was a rather positive one. She was amazed, focused, and interested about learning more. How ironic, I thought to myself. Usually children like Luci would be covered in fear. But she wasn't- that was the best part of it all.

"Wow," Luci says. "You had an adventure. I like adventures! Is that how you met each other too?" Her eyes are bright and happy. I just shrug and tell her truthfully: "Well... that's just how life works, Luci."

"Really? How so?"

"It's unexpected."

Two days later I was told to meet Erwin at headquarters to converse about the upcoming expedition planned three months from now. Sudden, it was- and everything was so calm too. However, I know what to do. I wasn't going to let this effect anything. When I let Hanji and Luci know that I had to leave for a while, they were understanding. "I'll be back... this should be quick." I said as I walked to the front door. Hanji smiles and hugs me, saying that she loves me. "Don't cry now," I say to her. Luci blinks and suddenly runs to my side, taking my hand. "Daddy, I want to come with you."

"You know you have to stay with your mother."

"Please?" Luci gives me that puppy-eyed look on her face. I've always hated that inside...but I knew I'd crush her dreams if I said no. So we left the house together, Hanji waving at us in the distance.

When we walked throughout town, everyone was staring at us- they were in awe of how such a great figure like me could ever suddenly be strolling with a small child, let alone my own daughter. It was so uncomfortable that Luci tightened her grip on my arm, meaning that she didn't like the attention whatsoever. I pick her up and carry her for the rest of the way to headquarters. _It's okay Luci_ , I thought. _I know what it feels like too_.

"Listen... I need you to draw quietly while I deal with business. Can you do that for me?" I knelt to Luci, who nodded with a smile. I give her paper and pencils to draw on and we went inside the small office. "Oh, hello! Here already I see?" Erwin immediately welcomes us. Luci waves and greets him, skipping to a corner to start drawing in. "She... she really wanted to come." I said.

"It's fine. She's only a kid." Erwin chuckles. I nodded and don't say anything. Erwin frowns and clears his throat. "How's everything so far?"

"Fine. We're doing... great. There's no shit to deal with, at least." I folded my arms

"That's good..." He said, glad to hear that. We stood silent for a moment. I am pretty sure why we did though. None of us wanted to talk about the expedition, especially in front of Luci.

"Look," Erwin finally spoke. "I know that this is random and all... but everyone has been preparing for this for a while now. We would like you're help with it- you are an amazing soldier, and with you I think we could be successful."

Lies. We weren't always successful. I know so, from years of experience. "Gee, I appreciate that... but I might have to turn down your offer." I told him straightforward, and he understood the obvious reasons.

"I see..." He says.

"You're disappointed... and I get that." I began, looking at his eyes so that he could hear me clearly. "I get it- we need to risk our lives and protect mankind. To learn more about the Titans and where the hell they came from... but I ask that you allow me to remain here. Because..." I stop and glance over at Luci, who was scribbling figures on her paper.

"Because she needs me. And her mother. And I sure as hell won't make the same mistakes again if I stayed. So I'm asking for your permission... like a true man would... to allow myself to remain with them here." I waited for an answer, any answer. I hope that I've convinced him- if not, I would have stayed no matter what.

"Are you sure about this?" Erwin finally asked, just to be sure. My mind was already made up. This is what I want. This is what I felt was right and wise to do. So I said yes to him- but something wasn't right. His whole attitude changed and seemed concerned for me. "Fine Levi," He spoke again. "I'll let everyone know... but..."

"But?" I wanted him to finish.

"The thing is Levi... have you told Hanji yet? That you're not going?"

"No... not yet. Why?"

Luci heard her mothers name, and glanced at us. I had hoped that she wasn't paying attention to us beforehand. Erwin smiled at her innocent face, delighted to see the light in her heart. "You have to let her know. Immediately." He tells me. I shake my head, confused.

"What are you talking about?" I questioned once more.

"Just... go home. Go home and tell her the news. I won't be there to witness her reactions but... its better if you tell her soon."

"Is it true daddy?" Luci asked me as we finally walked home. The sun was setting, and the sky had turned from blue to bright orange. There were less people out at this time, which meant no more of those annoying stares.

"Is it true that you're going to stay?" She sure was a smart kid. And one hell of a good listener. I sighed and told her that it was completely true. Luci just smiles while looking at her drawings. "That's nice. I would have missed you. I know mommy would too." She suddenly noticed that I stopped in my tracks. I could not help myself. I knelt to her and hugged her tightly as she asked if I was alright. "Luci," I began, a mixture of emotions filling my body. "I'm not going anywhere, Luci. I'll always be here... I'll never let anyone hurt you... and if they ever do, I will make them pay. That goes for your mother as well... do you understand?"

"Yes, daddy... I do."

"Good... I love you." I stood up, and Luci takes my hand again. "I love you too, daddy!"

When we walked through the front door, Luci was as happy as could be to see her mother again- and vice versa. Hanji welcomed us home while giggling at Luci, who hugged her legs. "Mommy! Look what I drew!" The little girl held the paper up for Hanji to see.

"Oh, it's so cute! Looks like we've got a potential artist in the house!" Hanji exclaims, and Luci pouts. "It's not cute!"

"It sure is!"

"Is not!"

"It's cute, just like you." Hanji said, winning. Luci laughs as she could not help herself. Her picture, I assumed, was of us three with a sloppy rainbow above. It was a happy family picture that told many messages. "I wanna draw a better one for you! It's going to be a surprise. I'll be in my room!" Luci runs down the house to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. Was that a cue to let us have our privacy? Hm... it seemed like it.

"Looks like you two had fun," Hanji says. She sits back down on the couch to continue reading a book. I sighed and just watch her do so. "I guess so... it was an interesting time."

"So... how was the meeting?" She asked me. That was fast. She must be really curious to know what we talked about. "It was interesting, actually..." I replied.

"Sounds nice," Hanji nodds, keeping her eyes on the book. "What did you...talk about?" She questions again.

"The expedition in three months... you know." I raised an eyebrow, for she wasn't looking at me at all. She acted suspicious... and I wasn't sure why. "I see," She paused.

"What's the problem?" I addressed the situation immediatly to get it out of the way. Was Hanji upset with me? Sad about something? I wanted to know. She just shrugs and faces me now. "Nothing really... It's just that... I've been wondering about something."

"And that is...?" I waited.

"Are you going? You know, to the expedition?" She blinks and awaits my reply. And I knew it- I knew she was going to ask. But I was sure that Hanji might be happy with the fact that I am staying with her and Luci. I could already see her jumping and squeezing me, telling me of how grateful she is to have me in her life. So I didn't hold back. I told her exactly what I told Erwin. "No. I am staying here with you."

Hanji's attitude had changed dramatically. Her face paled snow white, and she stared into my eyes as if I've committed a murder. I have never seen her like this- it was the most disturbing expression I have ever seen. She jumped up from the couch and the book fell to the floor with a thud. I had to take a step back when her emotions possesed her body and caused my ears to ring.

 _"What?!"_


	6. Questions

_Let me tell you a story._

Luci was two when we first began to teach her how to walk. It was a rainy afternoon and we had nothing else better to do, so I asked Hanji of when we were going to teach the girl. She would tell me of how Luci wasn't ready yet and how she was too young... but Luci needed to learn one way or another. When I finally convinced Hanji, the lesson began immediately. We sat across from each other on the wooden floor while Hanji stood Luci up on her feet. She let the child go and she stumbled forward- luckily enough I was near to break her fall. It was a working progress; I had to scold Hanji for being too rough with Luci and we would just become so frustrated with each other. But as time passed, Luci got the hang of it... until it was complete. Five steps it took- five little baby steps that approached Hanji, who could not wait to catch our daughter in her arms. And that was when I had realized it... Hanji wasn't being lazy or waiting for Luci to be a bit older to walk. She didn't want her daughter to grow up.

And that was the first time Luci made her cry.

"What do you mean, _'what'?_ " I asked my wife who was infuriated with me. She kept pacing back and forth with both hands on her head. I know not of what I did wrong. Perhaps it was a trick? A joke? A little scheme to make me feel a certain way?  
"No, Levi, no, no, no!" Hanji repeated herself.  
"No what? What is the matter with you? I want an answer."  
"This wasn't supposed to happen..."  
"Hanji!" I grab her shoulders and look into her eyes, growing annoyed. But she didn't want to look at me at all and tried to shake me off. She was shivering- as if she was in the cold. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"You weren't supposed to stay! We... we were supposed to go together!" Hanji yanks herself from me. Suddenly everything begins to drain from my body- No, not this. Not now.  
"You... you told Erwin that-"  
"Yes... he never wanted us to know about the expedition, but when I found out...he said it was mandatory for me to go. So I agreed to it." Hanji shook her head, not knowing what to do. I could barely stand-with just the words that came out of her mouth, every little memory of us starts to erase. It's only a matter of time before they are all lost forever.

"Are you... are you serious? Do you know what you've done?! Are you fucking stupid?!" My anger just spills over like a cup of water.  
"I figured it'd be better if I went with you too... so that we can be together!" Hanji yelled.  
"No one will be able to watch Luci! Do you know what its like to be without parents?!"  
"I know but-"  
"She's going to be alone here, crying and wondering what happened to us! And you just threw away your life! Not once did you think about her!"  
"I did think about her," Hanji screams, tears welling up in her eyes. I heard Luci come out of her room, and soon stands there watching us... possibly in terror. But Hanji doesn't tell the child to run along.

"Go ahead, Levi, call me an idiot... call me whatever the fuck you want! But at least believe me when I tell you, I _did_ worry about her! I love you both so, so much... and I never wanted to admit the fact that I was afraid to lose you. And I thought that if you and I went, Luci being with a good friend, I will at least be able to protect you... they're making me go and I can't do anything about it. I'm scared of you being home alone together... I'm scared of Luci not having a mother...and I'm scared that I will die alone never seeing her future. And I don't give a damn if it's cowardly! Please understand! Please, Levi, come with me!"

Hanji drowns in tears, her arms tightening around my body. Never would I have known the other side... if only she would have known mine. I'm furious- not only at her, but at the situation. It's that time again... and there's nothing to do about it now. Fear is irrational, yet possessing. Therefore I am done.  
I listen to our daughter sobbing and begging for us to quit fighting. I didn't want to fight either. But it had to be done in order to put things in place. Hanji finally lets me go, and I look at the small child in distress.  
"So that's it then...?" I asked. Hanji opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out.  
"You're just going to leave? Fine... I don't know why I even married you."

She was paralyzed. Not once did I see her face as I swiftly left the house. I don't regret what I said. Not even a little.


	7. Answers

_It's raining._

I like rain- it calms me. The white noise of falling water helps me forget about the hardships. It's like an escape to a void of isolation, far from reality. Only, when the rain lets up... memories pile up again and it stabs you in the heart. But for some reason that's not the case for me. I remember no matter what. Even as I stare into the pitch-black night, listening to the thunderstorm growing stronger, it wont budge.

It's probably midnight. The women must be asleep by now, assuming that I had intentions of staying elsewhere. But I never did... I just sat here for hours. The thunder booms repeatedly and the wind pushes the rain close. Not wanting to get soaked, I finally made my way inside the house. Lightning flashes the entire living room through the windows and I don't light a single candle to solve the problem. I make myself comfortable on the couch, staring at nothing in particular again. My eyelids are heavy with sleepiness yet the thunder prevents me from dozing off. And I wanted to sleep so much... so very much.

Suddenly, a different sound appraoches. Something soft, hitting the wooden floor one by one... footsteps. "What are you doing up?" I asked, opening my eyes. Luci is startled, her blanket wrapped in her chest. She stares at me in silence for a while- then, "The thunder... I can't sleep..."

"Come here." I sighed as Luci sits on my lap. "It'll go away soon. Is your mother sleeping?"

"I don't know... the door is locked. I can't go inside with her... I'm scared."

"Why are you scared?" I wondered. She looked at her blanket, even though it was pitch black in here. "I heard her... crying. Is it true daddy?"

"What?" My stomach turns. Luci begins to wipe her teary eyes. "That you don't love mommy anymore?"

"...Of course I do," I feel like I was puched in the face. Why must children torture their parents with shit they do not want to remember? I mean, I can't blame the girl. She's only seven. She should never have witnessed the argument, hateful words being thrown into the air like that as she listened with open ears... and the fact that her mother cries just pulls me into a deeper state of regret. Like a disease; it's affecting not only myself and Hanji, but now it is affecting my daughter. And I need to find a cure immediately.

"Luci... I am sorry... for making you hear that. It was never my intention to hurt you, nor your mother. Just know that... no matter what we say or, what we do, no matter how angry we get... remember that we'll always stick together."

"Is it my fault for being born...?" Luci sniffs.

"No! Nothing is your fault. Don't you ever say that." I replied, shocked. Luci nodds while wiping her tears away. "Is she really going to leave, daddy?"

"I..."

"Please ask her... I hate hearing mommy cry!" She hugs me and tries not to let tears go. The thunder had stopped. I scoop her up in my arms and begin to carry her.

"I know Luci," I sighed as I brought her to her bedroom. "I will fix everything. I promise. Stop thinking about it and go to sleep, ok?" A kiss on her forehead I gave, and Luci was snugged in her bed. Before I left, she said something I did not hear. I wish I knew what it was...

I have a key- the house key. We always used it whenever we accidentally locked a room door. Sometimes we'd even lose the key itself and fight over who had it last. Soon we would be on the hunt for it... which was the fun part of it all. Hanji usually found it on the floor somewhere and brag that she was a winner, me being a loser. But I won this time. I found it hidden under a rug- I'll never be able to brag about it, though.

I carefully unlocked the door of our room. It opened with a creek, warm air blowing to my face from the one small candle on the night table. There she was- laying on her side with the blankets up to her face. As I approach her, she moves. I wonder if she is sleeping, but I'm wrong the very moment she catches my gaze. I read many things on her face- depression, anger, suprise. "You came back," Hanji whispers, sitting up. I nod and sit beside her on the bed.

"I did," I replied.

"Why?"

"Let's see," I thought for words to say. "You remember how I said... that I didn't know why I married you? Well... now I do. I married you because... you're an idiot. You're a wild, adventurous rebel. I married you because I wanted to join you. Because I wanted to protect you and... I guess, care for you. Yet you just love getting into trouble. And I realized now... that its okay. I know why I married you, Hanji- so quit crying over me. Because even if... even if you leave... I'll still be forced to love you."

I look at my hands. She was quiet for a while, taking it all in. I hoped that I had fixed this. I hoped that I didn't make things worse. "Do you believe that I'm a coward still?" I hear her ask.

"No. You aren't a coward... I am." I replied guiltily. Soon, Hanji takes my hand and I face her. Even at this hour... she's still as beautiful as ever. "Hey," she says. "You aren't a coward neither."

"Do you... really have to go?" I wanted her to tell me the truth.

"I never wanted to. But I have to. They need me."

"Okay... fine. I won't stop you anymore."

"What are you so afraid of?" Hanji asks again, worrying about me. I shrug, not telling her anything. But I assumed that she already knew, because she gives me a hug. "You shouldn't be afraid to lose me. I'll be okay. You've protected us for the longest now... so its time for me to return the favor."

"I understand, but-"

"Shh," she covers my mouth with her hand. "You talk too much. That's the problem- the more you worry, the more you hurt yourself. I don't want to leave feeling as if you hate the the way things are going. I want to leave, glad that you and Luci accept. Because to tell you the truth... I've already accepted it. Levi, I am so sorry for hiding this from you."

"I'm sorry... for hurting you. I should never have said something so terrible." I watch as a smile developes on her face again. "I forgive you," Hanji tells me- suddenly, she leaves a handprint that stings like needles and scolds me. "That's for leaving out of the house like that, asshole!"

I rub my cheek and grin at her. I deserved it. I was wrong one-hundred percent. Sometimes we need to smack ourselves awake in order to solve incidents. Like they say- pain always works.

And when Hanji puts her arms around me and kisses my lips, I realized that maybe, just maybe... everything will be ok. Because love can't die. It's eternal. It will stay within us forever.

I just have to believe in it.


	8. Don't Cry

_"Don't let her go..."_

 _~A few months later~_

"Is this it, mommy?" Asked Luci, her petite body shaking with immense sadness. Hanji stood before us, clothed in uniform, equipped with 3dmg. Everyone was saying their farewells around us- to friends, family, life itself- it was an emotional mess. They act as if they're never going to see each other again. Then again, I would be a hypocrite. Because _poof_ and behold, we're right here in this very moment.

"I guess so, Little Bean." Hanji smiles and goes to on her knees. She took Luci's shoulders and they magically stop shaking. "And I'm sorry that it has to be this way... but don't think of it as a goodbye. Think of it as a supermom getting ready to beat the crap out of bad guys! You hate bad guys, right?"  
Luci nods, but is not amused by her mother. Hanji wipes the child's tears with her thumbs. "Well," She says. "That's what I'm going to do. I will protect everyone by doing so."

"Are you going to come back?" Luci asks. The question shuts Hanji up for a moment- a bullet to the heart. I blink and want to add something, yet it will never come out. Because that's the exact same question repeating in my head. Hanji smiles though, seemingly optimistic. "You know what, Luci? Yes. I _will_ return, just for you. I promise. But I only ask that you stay being the angel you truly are and listen to daddy. Don't be sad... everything's going to be okay." Hanji stands up. She looks into my gray eyes. There was always a similar connection whenever we locked sight of each other. I realize now, that this could be the last time we have this little moment. As stupid and cliché as it sounds... it means a lot to me. "I know this is hard on you-" She bigins, but I stop her.  
"Don't make a dramatic exit, now. You burn daylight by doing so."  
"Levi, you've always been such an ass. But I'll let it slide this time." Hanji smiles, an eyebrow raised.

I don't know what to say... my voice refuses to reach the air. It's as if I've forgotten how to speak. No... I just forgot how to say goodbye. Considering, you know, that I've never said it before. She frowns and soon touches my cheek- warm and soft, her hand is... its a nice feeling. "I... I wish things were different. And believe me, I never wanted it to end up like this," Hanji says. "So, do not think that this is a goodbye. Because I _will_ come back home to you. To Luci. To everyone... I'll kick extra ass like I've never kicked ass before!"

Commands filled our ears, and the rest of the soldiers began to hop on their own horses. It was time. Luci couldn't help herself- she squeezed her mother's hand like there was no tomorrow."Mommy, promise me you'll come back!"  
"Yes, I promise, Luci!" Hanji said, possibly heartbroken. Luci shook her head, the long black hair swinging from her head. She was shivering again, I could tell. I wanted to try to comfort her- yet Hanji suddenly gave her a tight hug. "I love you very much!"

When it was all over, she came over and gave me a kiss that lasted for a few seconds. The words she spoke were the last ones I may hear for a long time:  
"Take care of her."

Everyone moved in unison. We watched Hanji in the distance ride her horse along with the others. Civilians cried and begged for their loved ones to stay. So this is what it's like to watch your beloved leave you, not a clue in mind of what'll happen. We're civilians, Luci and I. It fucking hurts to watch. It especially hurts when you have to do it over and over. And the fragile girl, standing beside me... her world is required to fall apart as well, I bet. Luci sobbed and sobbed. She tried to follow her mother. She wanted Hanji by her side- both of us, in fact. Because Luci sympathizes us. She only wanted the family life she knew to stay alive. "Mommy," she cried. "Don't leave us, mommy! No! You can't leave!"  
"Luci, come back here," I called. She was going too far from me. I caught up to her and grabbed her arm.  
"No! No! Let me go!" Luci pulls and struggles to be free of my grasp, screamimg bloody murder.  
"Luci, please...stop it now." I didn't want to stop her because of the attention she brought. I wanted her to stop, because I can't bear to watch a seven year old's heart shatter like glass. I quickly heaved Luci up and held her tightly. She didn't try to get back down to the ground. I carried her home and I let her cry in my shoulder.

 _Its only me and you, Luci. Just the two of us. And I won't tolerate anything happening to you. So don't cry anymore. Your mother will be back._

"I will," I thought. "For Luci, for you."


	9. Proud To Call You Mine

I can still feel the warmth of her body beside me.

I remember how Hanji used to lay: an arm around my waist, her legs wrapped like a ribbon on a present, sleeping soundly on her side while clutching me close in case of a "bad dream". It was uncomfortable, but what could I do? Being an ass would have solved the problem numerous of times. Yet I could tolerate it...no matter how strong she was or, how annoying it is to have someone breathing down your neck. It's kind of strange, having a feeling so strong considering that she's no longer here at the moment. It's almost as if she's still here, laying beside me- like a ghost. You don't see them, but you feel their presence. And geez... is it strong. Now that I realize it... why is the feeling still here? Why can't it just go away?

The sun brightens the room and I sit up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. And it wasn't long before I came to a conclusion. The answer to my question. It was all there, loud and clear, right in front of my face.

There slept Luci- curled up and cozy, black hair spilled all over the pillow and even on her own head. Her chest rose and fell. An endless cycle of peace. She lies where her mother once did. I'm not sure when was the last time I actually took the time to watch the girl sleep. It brings back so much memories of us all together. Sometimes I wish for her to never grow up. There's too much evil in this world, and I'd hate for her to be caught up in the middle of it.

I reach over and move the hair out of Luci's face to have a better look at her, but she squirms. "Rise and shine," I said, the very moment I saw her brown eyes.

"Daddy?"

"You seem well rested. Had a good sleepover?"

She smiles. "I'm sorry. I had a bad dream last night. But I didn't want to wake you up."

"It doesn't matter. If you need to, you can wake me up... just not all the time." My sarcasm gets to her and she giggles. "I had good dreams when I came in here... I think my room is haunted. Can you check to see if there are any monsters inside?"

"Instead," I replied."How about this... I'll teach you to get rid of them yourself. That way, they won't bother."

Luci is interested, and sits up to listen. She was so eager to hear my teachings although they were fake.

"Tell them to piss off."

"That's a bad word!" Luci cries, pointing at me.

"Hey, if you want the monsters to go away, tell them to piss off. And if they don't, thats when you let me deal with them."

Luci just giggles again. Which reminds me that it's only the two of us now. The start of me and her. And I'd rather have her begin the day without any worry.

It was a clear day today, sunny and crisp. Luci was outside playing with a ball, running to catch it whenever it was thrown. Despite having our own neighbors here and there, we live in a rather quiet area. It was better than living in a cluster of noise and assholes who never shut their mouths while their bratty kids fight for stupid reasons. But luckily, Luci has her own small group of friends who never gives us a hard time. Although, they don't play with her often, and I don't believe Luci minds. She doesn't talk about them much but never complaines of lonliness. Pretty mature if you ask me.

Luci runs up to me with the ball. "Daddy! Come play with me!"

"No, its ok. You go have fun."

"Aw, please?"

"Enjoy yourself, Luci." I said once more. She looks at the ball and frowns. "Ok," She says. "Let me know when you want to!"

Sure thing, I thought to myself as she ran off again. I sat on the wooden stairs just outside of the front door and read the book in my hands. I like reading on lazy days like this. Besides... everyone I know is out on the expedition, and I chose to not get involved with those who aren't. But nothing's the same. I really wish I knew what was going on out there... if everyone is alive and well. I hope Hanji isn't doing anything stupid. Because I know how she can be.

I hear other children's voices. I look up to see three more kids walking up to Luci, who was happy to see them. Friends, I assumed- but they didn't start playing just yet. The two girls and one boy stood around Luci as she told them something. I didn't think much of it really; they were probably talking about childish things. Maybe even talking about me since Luci had gestured that, I assume, I was her father. All was well... until I realized that they weren't going to play anytime soon.

The boy had smacked the ball from Luci's hands and roughly pushed her to the ground. One of the girls threw the ball on my daughter's face, while the other just kicked her leg. I watched in terror as Luci hovered her arms over her head to shield herself, and I stood up from the steps of our house.

"Hey!" I yelled furiously as I ran to those brats. When the children saw me coming, they fled like rodents. "Who the fuck do you think you are?!" I yell. It's too late. They've ran off. Instead of chasing them, I went over to Luci to help her up. "Are you alright? Why the fuck did they do that to you?"

"I'm okay, daddy. I'm not hurt." She said, for I kept making sure she wasn't bruised or marked. "What was that about?" I asked her once more. The girl shrugs and looks down to her feet.

"Well... they asked if mommy was here, and I told them that she was out saving the world, and that she'll be back for us. I told them that you stayed home to protect me... but they didn't like that. They said you were a coward and that mommy will die. So I told them to piss off!"

That's my girl. I take her shoulders as she looked at me with determination. "Did I say the right thing daddy? Are you mad?" She was unsure.

"Absolutely not. You did the right thing. They are the real cowards, Luci. Don't you ever listen to them," I replied. I hoped she understood me, but I dont think I have to worry. She's a smart kid- and no asshole is going to brainwash my child.

"I tried to tell them," Luci adds.

"Tell them what?"

"That mommy is coming back. She is, right?"

"Yeah...of course she is," My stomach turns so much that it hurts. But Luci gives a smile that sends me strength and hope again.

"Can I teach you a handshake, daddy?"

"A handshake?" I asked.

"Yeah! Mommy taught it to me. It is supposed to be a secret one, and she says its been passed down from her mom!"

Hm... of course it is. And I don't mean that in a negative manner. Luci sits on the floor across from me, legs folded beneath her green dress. "Alright. Teach me," I sighed. Luci smiles and puts her two hands up. "Okay! First, we start with paddy-cake."

I blinked and just began learning from her. We did the paddy-cake thing about three times until my daughter stops me. "Now, put them behind your back."

I do so. "Are you sure this is a handshake?"

"Yes!" Luci laughs at me. "Now take out one hand and slap mine, then do the same with the other hand."

I did what she told me to do, and we did the next step three times as well. She giggled everytime I slapped her hand, saying that I was doing it softly. I mean, I don't necessarily want to hurt her. But Luci continues on with the next step after standing up to her feet. "Now, you have to stand up!"

"Alright," I say while picking my ass up from the floor.

"Spin around."

"Okay," I spin around with her. I must look so stupid... but she's entertained by me.

"Now reach for the sky!" She swings her arms upwards.

"Sure thing."

"Higher, daddy!"

"I'm reaching." I put my arms up higher. I feel so foolish. I'm now convinced that Luci is playing a silly trick on me. But then she does the next step- which is the one and only salute I should know. "And then you offer your heart!" Luci beams. I salute with her, only to notice that she's doing it incorrectly. "That's where your wrong, Luci."

"Oh?"

"It's your right arm. Not the left."

Then she realizes her mistake and fixes it. Just by looking at her with the salute... its as if I'm standing in front of of a young, petite little soldier. I see her mother no doubt. Luci may be a child now, but soon she'll grow into an honorable woman. I bet she'll become exactly like Hanji. And it makes me proud to watch her grow each day while learning right from wrong, learning what is right and true. I wish my wife could see this accomplishment. I wish she could hear Luci's laughter. I wish she knew how much we miss her.

I wish... I could see her face just one last time.

"Daddy? Are you crying?"

I escape my thoughts. I rub my damp eyes and turn away from my daughter. "What? Not at all," I lie. Two arms suddenly wrap around my waist. It was her. "Is this part of the handshake too?"

Luci shakes her head. "No. Its just me!"


	10. The Return

Today's the day.

The time has finally come. I've known about this day, since I have been through it myself- and ever since I told Luci last night, she would not shut up about it. It is scheduled for them to return at dusk, depending on the circumstances. Yet Luci sings and jumps around as if her mother's going to walk through that door in an instant like it's all peaches and cream.

Literally- she skips around the house in her white nightgown repeating over and over: "Mommy's coming home! Mommy's coming home!" I roll my eyes as I prepare breakfast for the both of us. I understand the excitement... but I'm not ready for it at the moment. I look over my shoulder to see Luci hop onto the couch. "Aren't you happy, daddy?" She says. "Mommy is coming home today!"  
"I heard. You seem happy yourself."  
"You don't _look_ happy," she pouts at me.  
"Why don't you go make yourself useful and change out of your nightgown." I change the subject. Luci soon comes up to me with her arms folded- a mischievous smile develops on her face. "Not until you admit it!"  
"Admit what?"  
"That you are excited like I am!"  
"Luci, go do what I asked you."  
"Tell me! Pleaaase?"  
I stop what I'm doing. She grew silent when I turned to her. She may be acting like a pain in the ass but I cannot just scold her for loving her mother. So I take a deep breath: "Yes Luci. I am. Now please change so you can eat."

She understands, but frowns as if worried about something. "Daddy... are you okay?" She asks. Luci sensed every little bit of pain that I had inside of my body.  
"Yeah... I'm fine." I'm a liar.  
"Oh..."  
"Change your clothes. Now."  
"Sure thing." Luci nods and soon skips off to her room. I sigh again, trying to stay calm. I continue preparing the food for us. I slice the potato in front of me with a sharp, silver knife. One by one each piece is created, quick and smooth. I don't even keep track of it- I just keep cutting the damn thing... over and over again. I wanted to be done with it.  
But my mind messages me with a familiar voice of the past:

 _"Hey... be careful now...you wouldn't want to cut your finger off!"_

A sudden knock on the door startles me and causes the knife to peel the skin right off of my index finger. "Shit!" I muttered. My blood seeps quickly. Grabbing a towel to wrap around the small cut, I angrily make my way to the door. "Who could be here at this time?"  
As if things couldn't get worse.  
"Good morning nephew," Says Kenny- my deceitful uncle. Great, I think to myself. Just freaking beautiful. It isn't normal for him to just appear out of the blue like this. After all I had to go through in the past- I never wanted to see his damn face again. "What the hell are you doing here?!" I go up to his face. He just chuckles and takes a step back.  
"Whoa, simmer down... I only came to see how you're doing."  
"Don't lie to me. You're pretty lucky that I don't kill you right here, right now."  
"Jesus, Levi. This isn't about you." He stops and notices Luci who walked from her room, wearing her favorite green dress. Kenny allows himself in to take a better look at my daughter.

"Well I'll be!" He kneels to Luci's level. The girl stands unsure and timid. "So _this_ is little Miss Ackerman. My... she's a beauty."  
"Who are you?" Luci asked out of curiosity.  
"Well... I'm your daddy's uncle. But you can call me Kenny." He says. My ears become hot with fury.  
"I'm Luci... does that mean you're _my_ grand-uncle?"  
"If that's how you want to interpret it. Your grandmother is my sister."  
This make Luci's ears perk up like a dog. I roll my eyes and shut the door behind me. He may be family... but I never wanted Luci to be influenced. It was going to be a long day.

"Can you tell me more about grandma? What was her name?" Luci smiles, wanting many answers. I guess she's got a pinch of me after all- I've been wanting answers for the longest about my mother. But I never wanted to ask because I, well, remember enough. Kenny thinks for a moment. "Let's see... her name was Kuchel. She was very kind and took great care of of your dad."  
"That's a nice name," Luci says.  
"Yeah... she was an interesting woman. Kuchel struggled to survive. But you know what she did?"  
"What?"  
"She always put her child first."  
"I wish I could meet her... Oh, maybe you can bring me to see her!" Luci turns to me with bright eyes. "Can he, daddy?"

Do you know that moment when you are foolishly playing with your childhood friends and having such a good time, until one of you falls to the ground only to wail of a broken arm? Or maybe the moment when you accidentally shatter a window during a game of catch? How do you tell your parents what happened without upsetting them?  
It's a silence that makes her frown. She wanted answers, but I gave her none. It isn't a subject I talk about to just anyone. There's no way to sugarcoat it for Luci. And it's not just about my mom- its the fact that I can't let go. Some things are better left unsaid. But as if he read my mind completely, Kenny spills it all without any warning: "Kuchel is dead, Luci. She has been for a very long time."  
Luci shakes her head and looks to the floor with a sad face, as if her dreams have been crushed. "Oh no," She says.

I take his shoulder. "I think it's time for you leave."  
"Already? But we were bonding." Kenny says.  
"Bullshit. Look, I don't know why you came here in the first place. But I won't tolerate you mocking me and my family!"  
"Like I said before, Levi... this isn't about you."  
"Then what was it about then?" I asked sharply. Kenny rolls his eyes and quickly glances at Luci, who watches us bicker. "I wanted to make an appearance for your little heir."  
I blink, surprised for a moment. Since when did he give a damn about us?  
"You were never there when she first arrived," I tell him. "You were never there at the ceremony... and out of all days, you finally decide to come now?"

"You never saw me there." Kenny replied. "I was... around town when I first heard about your commencement. And while I understood that I wasn't invited... I stood in the back, far in the shadows. That way you wouldn't have to be forced to suffer with an intruder. And soon, nine months later, I found out about Luci... how? It took some questioning. But the point is... I came to see the next generation of us as a whole. I vowed to search for her while understanding the consequences you'll punish me with. So I made the decision to proudly walk here to visit the girl- no bloodshed, no bullshit. And I have to say... you've got guts, kid."

It didn't seem like he was lying. The fucker really missed me if he came all this way. He was there for me once, but soon disappeared. I'm not sure if I should see this moment as guilt or as an apology. But I do see one thing: Change.  
"You're lucky, Kenny." I scoffed.  
"Am I really? About what?"  
"If Hanji were here now... she would have fed you to the titans herself."  
He chuckles. "Well... she comes back today. No one has to speak of this. Besides... I've reached my goal."  
"Your goal?" I ask him. Luci stood beside me, shyly hiding behind my arm that she held. Kenny nodded and leaned on the front door. "Yeah. I got to meet your daughter. And that's all I really need."

"Pick me up, daddy!" Luci cried as we watched the survivors of the expedition returning to their families. It was cold out here, despite it being the middle of sunset. Families gathered around- neither too happy or too sad. It was odd, because there had always been drama. But it was kinda normal for once.  
"Ugh! There's too many people," My daughter says as she tip-toes to find her mother. A lot of people kept shoving each other to find their loved ones- while some noticed me and moved out of their way because they know not to mess with me. It sounds a little cocky... but its the truth to be frank. "Can I sit on your shoulders? I can spot mommy easily if I do!" Luci waits for me.  
"Fine, but if you fall, don't grab something and take me with you." I sigh, and Luci giggles. I go on my knees and she immediately climbs up to my shoulders. She isn't very heavy when I stand up again, holding her legs so she wont lose balance. "Better?" I ask.  
"Much better!"  
"Good... do you see her?"  
"Not yet," Luci replied. She acts like a surveillance guard, studying each and every soldier returning. I stay on the lookout as well- but all I see are loved ones embracing and reuniting and telling each other how happy they are to see each other again. While others fell into despair when told that their sons and daughters or sisters and brothers have died. Its all a mix of emotions here.  
There's only one thing in my mind right now. And that's getting to see my wife again... which allows Luci to be at peace that her mother is alive as well.  
"I still don't see her, daddy." Luci softly puts her hands on my head to keep her balance.  
"I don't either," I add. I'm growing real impatient and my stomach turns. What if something happened? What if I was right- maybe Hanji did something stupid after all...

No. I shouldn't jump to conclusions. Perhaps she's just injured and with our friends. And speaking of friends... I see Erwin on his horse along with other leaders. And I realized that Hanji wasn't with him- for she _was_ the squad leader. I carefully grab Luci and put her down on her feet. "What are you doing?" She asks with disappointment.  
"I need you to save our spot."  
"Where are you-"  
"I'll be right back... just stay here." Luci blinks and says nothing more as I leave her there to catch up with Erwin. I call for him, and he stops the moment he sees me.  
"Levi," He says. "You're here...its good to see you."  
"It's quite good to see you as well in one piece."  
"Yeah..." He is unmoved.  
"Listen... I know you've all just returned but... Have you seen Hanji at all yet? Is she well?" I ask. I wait for an answer. A good one, at that. Erwin's face is dark and gloomy, as if he's seen things no man should ever witness. One side of me wants to believe that Hanji's alright. The other...it doesn't want to co-operate.

"Levi..." He finally began. "We haven't seen Hanji since yesterday evening... we were fighting so many of them... Hanji took her squad and ran off to make the Titans chase them, so that the rest of us could flee. The plan... it worked so well... until I saw a red flare. I searched for her, Levi. I really did... believe me when I say- the moment she left was the moment I saw you and Luci devastated and upset. I'm so sorry... I've failed you."

There it is again. The painful stab into my chest. The feeling of a pulse slowing down more and more until its finished. The feeling of ghost who is invisible to all and can't do not a damn thing about it. Pain... it hurts.  
I'm disbelieved at what he just said to me. I don't even know what is true anymore. I feel his eyes- they want me to understand. But I can't face him. How the hell will Luci react...?  
"Thank you, Erwin." I say to him. "Thank you for telling me. For doing your best. Really. I appreciate it."  
I leave him there. There's nothing more to hear. I find Luci and just take her hand to go home. As we squeeze through the crowd of people, I could have sworn that I heard her ask me a question:  
"Where's mommy?"


	11. Me, Myself, and Her

_I always caught her staring out of the window._

 _"What are you doing?" I asked as I walked in the room. There Hanji stood, her back facing me. She always had this habit of looking out the window at night. We had just gotten home after the chaotic gathering went on after our ceremony and I was exhausted. But she just continued to stand there quietly in her wedding gown. So I found myself walking up next to her.  
"Isn't it beautiful?" She sighs.  
"What?"  
"The stars... there's so many of them tonight."  
"I know." The sky was filled with stars bright and dim, the full moon shining down on the earth from the pitch black sky. I almost became lost in them until Hanji broke the silence._

 _"I once read a myth about how the stars are souls of the dead... and that constellations are what they once looked like."  
"Is that why you look up there so often? To find those constellations?"  
She just laughs. "Well that, yes." Hanji takes a breath and glances at me. "I also watch them because... it helps me think. About all of the things that took place... all of the memories. All of the little things we've done together, even while apart. The good times... the bad... the ugly... everything. Levi, do you ever stop and think to yourself... what was the point of all that?"  
"The last time I checked... we were born to create them." I shrugged and never took my eyes off of the stars. "Maybe it's Mother Nature giving us a chance to be alive... whether it requires to sleep in filth or not... and the memories could be future stories to tell for generations to come. But in all honesty we'll never know for sure." I finally take a look at my wife.  
"Why are you asking me this, Hanji? Out of all nights?" I wasn't making room for sarcasm or jokes. She truly worried me, and I could sense the pain behind that smiling mask. What that pain was, I'll never know. I just wished that she would have released it._

 _"Because," Hanji finally says. "Someday we'll both be up there." I saw a tear glistening down her cheek, leaving a damp trail as it soon dripped from her chin. I blink and have no words to say. I understood now of why she looked at the stars so often- one day we will die. One day, death will do us part. It'll end all of our memories and our existence from this shitty world. It sounds dark and somber but it is the truth. And Hanji is afraid that the times we share will eventually come to a dead end. However... I didn't want to think about that kind of shit right now. I just want to keep moving on... no matter what happens._

 _"You are right," I put a hand on her shoulder. She turns and we finally lock eyes for the first time in hours. "Someday we will... but not tonight, Hanji. Not tonight."_

 _I look into her eyes and all I see is love. I see the newly found hope in her heart. And I wonder if she saw the same in me. She smiles and wraps her arms around my shoulders. "I love you," Hanji says- and our lips met. We kiss under the stars, under the full moon's soft glow. We never let each other go. We've both come so far and what we did was an act of love, an act of intimacy, an act of tenderness. From the very moment we said "I do," I knew everything will be better... from now on until the day we reach the stars. And I indeed loved her too._

"Daddy?"

I slammed the door shut behind me. I began to look through cabinets and closets and drawers. Anything. Just anything I could shatter. Luci cautiously stood by the front door. She watched me as I pulled out whatever breakable item we had. I mindlessly throw cups into the sink and it all ends with a piercing sound of glass. I take out the million and one pictures created for us three and shred them with my bare hands. I hear my daughter calling me but I don't listen. I can't listen. I'm so fucking helpless and I want to die. I want to bleed slowly and painfully to satisfy Life's hunger. I want to destroy my existence. Everything I hoped and loved and dreamed... slaughtered. There's nothing that could change the situation now.

"Daddy, stop!" Luci screams and I finally wake up. I almost tore a photo of myself, Hanji, and Luci when she was four. I remembered that it was Hanji's favorite photo of all. I remembered how she gawked at it for days on end. So I let it fall to the floor. "You're scaring me," Luci admits. She was in total fear. I made her see a side of me that no one should ever have to witness.  
"What is wrong with you? You never do this!" Luci wanted answers. She was scared and confused. How will I tell her? How will she react? A child her age should never have to hear news like this!

"Luci..." I don't even know where to begin. The girl stands there and waits. "Your mother... she isn't coming home." It is a silence that screams louder than words. Luci shakes her head. Then, "That's impossible. Mommy promised me she would come back." Luci doesn't believe me... not one bit.  
"She isn't coming back. Erwin told me that she wont."  
"Mommy promised!" Luci stomps her feet.  
"I understand, but-"  
"Mommy would never break a promise. Never! She always told me that she'll never lose to bad guys. She _is_ coming-"  
"She's fucking dead, Luci!" I yell and with that Luci shuts her mouth immediately. I take deep breaths to try and calm myself. The girl is in denial. I want her to accept it but... you can't crush a child's imagination. Then again, who am I to speak such a way to her? I raised my voice and cursed and there's no going back. Luci keeps shaking her head as if she's trying to hold back tears.

"B-but... she can't be dead." Luci says, trying to stay optimistic. "You're lying!"  
"I'm not lying. I wish I was... but I am not... please understand..." I take a few steps toward my daughter. I open my arms and want to hug her.  
"No! Stay away!" She jerks away from me and runs, but suddenly paused. She noticed the torn picture on the floor and picks it up. "You ripped it," She says. "You ripped my picture... that I made for you..." Luci puts the pieces together and sees us two holding hands. I remember her drawing that very picture on the day I asked permission to stay home. And I destroyed it. What the fuck was I thinking...?  
Luci crumples the pieces and throws them at me. "How could you, daddy?! Why would you do that to me?!"  
"I never meant to hurt you-"  
"That's what you always say! You never want to hurt me but you lie all the time! You don't care about me!"  
"That isn't true... it isn't true... I always care about you!"  
"I knew it... it was me being born isn't it?" Luci asks. "I was the one who messed everything up. You told me that wasn't the case but I knew it was a lie all along! I killed mommy, right? Tell me daddy... did I?!"

"Please stop it..." I begged her. Seven years old. And she accuses herself of killing her own mother. I shiver in guilt. "Luci... please stop blaming yourself... nothing is your fault. Your mother loved you very much- _I_ love you very much... but sometimes kids like you aren't supposed to deal with things like that. I'm so sorry... it is all my fault... I killed your mother. It was I that should have died..."

"If I wasn't born," Luci sniffs. "Everything would have been better. You would have lived a happier life with mommy... I wouldn't be in your way. One day, a man came up to me while I was playing and said that I will be a useless girl that will ruin everything... and as time went on I started seeing it. Like...like the day you and mommy argued. I cursed you, daddy. And I am scared that I might kill you too." Her voice cracks and it is barely above a whisper. She wipes the waterfall on her cheeks with her sleeve. I will never understand how a small child... as fragile as her... could _ever_ be filled with pain and agony for so long.

I now question myself- why hasn't she told me or Hanji? Why hasn't she lifted this off of her shoulders? I now realize my mistake. I wasn't there when she needed me the most. I am no father. She looked up to me and I've failed her. I remembered the advice Mikasa had given me on Luci's birthday:

 _"You should never seclude yourself, not from family. Not from love... because, in reality, it'll make a difference later on."_

"Each day I tried," Luci continued. I walk closer to her and she doesn't move away this time. "Each day I tried to be happy. Each day I tried to have hope. Mommy taught that to me- never give up. And every day I believed that she'll come back. But now that you've..." Luci can't finish her sentence. Huge tears roll from her chocolate eyes and I fall to my knees before her. I wasn't there- not enough to listen to what she was feeling. Not enough to be that figure she could lean on. Just because she was seven, did not mean she wasn't hurt. And to think... I risked losing her to a stranger!

I gently wipe her cheeks with my thumbs and finally come up with words to say. "Listen to me, Luci... and listen to me carefully... when you were born, your mother was overwhelmed with emotions. She nurtured and cared for you and never wanted you to grow up... when you were born, I made sure you were protected and safe. You were never a curse to us. You were a miracle. Nothing is your fault... it is in fact mine, for not being there enough... and for that I am sorry. I don't want you to ever be afraid to speak your mind to me."  
"Okay," She nods after a long pause. "I forgive you... but can I ask you something?"  
"Anything."  
"Is mommy really never coming back?"

It is a question I dread the most. But there's no other choice. We both need to face reality. "No... she's not."  
Luci doesn't face me and the tears keep welling up. "I miss her..."  
"I know, Luci..."  
"What are we going to do?" Luci asks. I can visibly see her body shaking from despair. I say not a damn thing... I mean, what is there to tell? My wife is dead. The only motherly figure in my daughter's life is forever gone. There are words for widows who have lost their husbands- yet there isn't a name for a husband who has lost his wife. There are names for orphans who've lost both parents- yet why isn't there a name for a child who has lost one? It just doesn't make any sense.

She deserves so much more. She deserves to have a mother who actually cares and adores Luci for who she really is. Just me alone will never be enough. And I realize now that it isn't a fathers love. Its a mothers love. But now Luci can't have that love- not anymore. And its all my fault.  
Damn... I guess we are alike after all.

Everything becomes blurry. Luci pats my eyes carefully with her sleeve. "Don't cry, daddy."  
"I miss her too..."  
"You have to be brave." Luci tells me, even though she's still choked up. "Just like mommy."  
"I can't do it..." I shake my head. The dam overflows and water uncontrollably bursts through. Luci does everything to comfort me but I just can't help it.  
"I'm here... and I will always love you..." The little girl kisses my cheek and we were caught in a tight embrace. So tight that I could feel her heartbeat in my chest. Luci is the only one I have left... and I'll never be able to live without her. All the memories of the three of us may be gone, but they will never be forgotten.  
I'll never forget that face and the sound of her laughter. I'll never forget her stupidity and her melodramatic ways and the scary faces she'd make when pissed off. I still remember the conversation we had that night. And I bet she's high up in the stars, waiting for me.  
Not yet, Hanji.

I hear the front door- someone keeps knocking like crazy. But I decide to ignore it. It wasn't more important than sharing a moment with my daughter. It's just us two now... and I am ready to make the most of it.  
Just me, myself, and her.

 **THE END**


End file.
